FALSE SPOILER ALERT: Experts (me) speculate that somewhere around episode 137, Lelouch will mistakenly attempt to re-Geass Orange-kun, resulting in a prompt bullet to the head. Upon seeing this gruesome scene, Suzaku goes psychokaede seed-mode and rushes the entire Britannia army, destroying all the troops with his slick moves and nasty demeanor. Unfortunately, the eighteen brother of Clovis had long suspected Suzaku’s traitorous intentions and activates the self-destruct on Lancelot Strike Freedom, reducing the lone male entry in Harem de Lulu to smithereens. Naturally, Nunnaly watches this happen (wait…) and goes into a blind rage (…dammit), causing her to run over the rest of the student council in her nuclear wheelchair before bursting into flames from accumulating Nina’s rising body heat and Kallen’s extra-strength-yet-flammable hair spray. Oh, and C.C. didn’t survive her coronary angioplasty from all the pizza grease.
So now all the actors are dead, but as experience has taught us, they will be back, in some shape or form, probably after episode 137.5. Who do we replace them with? In a special FreezeFrame as proposed by one of Omni’s anime-entourage, I give you…
Student Council President: Paris Hilton, The Simple Life
Token blonde who flaunts her sexuality, taking on an air of know-it-all superiority to cover her “I actually have no idea what’s going on” to attract attention to herself. Never touches the pizza for fear of losing her Carl’s Jr. contract. Runner up: Jessica Simpson, Newlyweds
Kallen: Keira Knightley, Pirates of the Caribbean
Finally cracks under the criticism and gets breast augmentation. Gives a solid performance but still lacking in some areas. Runner up: Jenna Jameson
Tagged with a “do not resuscitate” sign. Instantly forgotten. Runner up: The kid who plays the tree at the school play
Nunnally: That little girl in E.T., E.T.
Such a spirited, precocious little one. That, and the fact that she appears in a Playboy about thirteen years later makes her appeal all the more understandable. She’s not really blind, or handicapped, is she? Runner up: Timmy, South Park
Nina: Prince, Purple Rain
The quiet, soft-spoken
guy girl sexual maniac in the corner of the room who never draws any attention, but when the spotlight is on them, has the ability to completely steal the show. Probably shouldn’t be left in a room alone with…anyone. Runner up: Hermione Granger, Harry Potter
Euphemia: Goto Maki, Morning Musume
Suffers from an extreme inferiority complex – but who can blame her? She has a b-list seiyuu, can’t sing, can’t command troops, can’t fly a gundam, and her best outfit was when she didn’t have one on at all. It’s like Koda Kumi is Lacus and Goto Maki is the cheap knockoff, having all the components but none of the soul, falling short in every aspect. Not saying that Goto Maki should ever be in Hollywood, of course… Runner up: Antonella Barba, American Idol
Suzaku: Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers
The proverbial “damaged goods” character, having some dark transgression in the past that freaks him out whenever someone mentions it. Not that it doesn’t prevent him from dropping 81 points on the unsuspecting enemy. Problem is, no matter how hard he tries, he’s still a loser and a pawn to the bigger picture. Runner up: Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy
C.C.: Judi Dench (circa 1955), 007
She might just be coming into her prime in her later years, but you can bet she was a curvaceous hottie during her younger days. Sharp and cross, this girl doesn’t take lip from anybody – not to mention she’s always the one giving orders. Costumes? No problem – did you see her in Shakespeare in Love? Runner up: Cortana, Halo
Ledouche: Keanu Reaves, The Matrix
He’s one of those guys that does the whole “cool” act cuz he’s actually a big nerd that everybody would push around otherwise. That said, it’s like he was born to wear a trench coat; Keanu also has plenty of experience being “the replacement,” going on an “excellent adventure” with a close male partner, not to mention he’s rarely seen without his Trinity or his Sandra Bullock. Runner up: He is “The One” – there can be no other
I can totally see Judi Dench ordering around poor Keanu, as cool as he might look. Or how about Goto Maki telling Kobe that she loves him? How about Keira Knightly with some double D’s? Prince and some table action?
Shrek would make a great Ougi…got a mega hottie cooking for him and does nothing…