Mouse over screenshots for captions
So there’s this chick voiced by Kawasumi Ayako, who looks like some chick from Claymore, who turns out was Elena in Claymore, which isn’t really a bad thing, since Ayako is awesome and Claymore was a pretty good show. But then, this pink bunny girl voiced by Kugimiya Rie shows up with hair that molds into hands which cover her boobs, and immediately the show goes to shit. Timestamp? 33 seconds. Hoh boy, we’re in for a long one…
I should point out here that it is immediately obvious that while this show is going to try to have some semblance of a plot, the gaudy character designs and their willingness to shed clothing is not exactly a vote of confidence in the story department. As such, my coverage of the plot is going to remain a distant second from my commentary on the ridiculousness of it all.
It’s quite a departure and frankly a bit awkward to have Kugimiya Rie voice such a busty character, as 99% of her previous characters have a problem graduating from their training bra. The remaining 1% doesn’t need a bra as they are alchemetically binded to a giant suit of metal armor. Furthermore, these particular breasts are filled with some kind of crazy acid that’s strong enough to melt the steel of a sword, the thin tunic off a young maiden’s chest, and yet leave the skin of said maiden a smooth glisten. Wonderful.
Anyways, Rie kicks the shit out of Ayako, and out of nowhere this loli waki angel voiced by Hirano Aya shows up. She’s like one of the judges or something for this Queen’s Blade competition or whatever. I guess it’s like Sekirei, except these girls don’t fk around with stupid shit like men. Otaku everywhere, rejoice, as there will be no 2D stud to compete with your affections.
After getting her magnificent ass handed to her, Ayako gets bailed out by some dom chick voiced by Kaida Yuko, the same voice of Ryuuken-sama from Mariaholic and Ryomou Shimei from Ikkitousen. Ah, a veteran of the genre. They head to the castle where Ayako and her sisters live. Ayako’s imouto is this spry little chick with more acceptable proportions and a more acceptable age than most of these other characters, plus she’s some crazy tsundere siscon, so she’s pretty awesome. And she’s voiced by Mizuhashi Kaori, the one who did Akane in Kiminozo, Ai-chan in ARIA, Miyako in Hidamari…
Ai-chan doesn’t much like Ryomou, so they start getting into it, before the onee-sama with the thunder element shows up and whips everybody into shape. Ryuuken gets thrown in jail where she shows off her legs and ass, all the while Ayako is being forced to go to some party, which seems like a giant excuse to show her taking off her corset afterwards. Again, no complaints from me.
So pretty soon, Ryomou busts out of jail and steals a bunch of shit, including this huge suit of armor which she someone fits into this little satchel, which then ends up in Ayako’s room. It’s like some godly piece of armor, which Ayako really needs cuz she is by far the weakest fighter in the show. Well, she doesn’t really fight at all, just gets her beautiful ass kicked all over the place.
Of course, the armor just seems to be another excuse to show off some more boobs, as she doesn’t wear anything under it. My understanding of medieval defensive garb is far from comprehensive, but I’m pretty sure they wore tunics or leotards or plug suits or whatever underneath them, but the prospect of cold steel pushing up on those perfect breasts is pretty intriguing.
And as if on call, pink T-1000 shows up and starts whooping on Ayako, as Ryuuken and thunder onee-sama start getting it on. I’d comment on the fight scenes, but there really aren’t any, just a lot of posing, running, hiding, and pissing, as Ayako forgot to wear her cup for her armor. Eventually Ayako feels an enormous rush of ecstasy and decides to confess her love for Rie, so she gives her a huge hug, which causes Rie’s lethal tits to explode. Ryuuken runs away in the commotion.
The next day, Ayako washes up on shore, and tells Ryomou she’s gonna go on a journey. Her clothes remained on the whole time, so I was actually able to pay some attention to what she was saying.
note: the actual ED is a song by Kawasumi Ayako, Noto Mamiko, Hirano Aya, but the ending in this episode was just an orchestral track
Where do I begin? This is a perfect example of one of those shows that really has no clue what it’s doing, but they try really hard in doing it so it comes out as this catastrophic masterpiece so ridiculous and over-the-top it’s impossible to not talk about. Let me say upfront that I’m only blogging this first episode so I’ll have something to refer back to if and when one of the shows I blog start turning shitty. No matter how terrible they get, it won’t come close to Queen’s Blade.
The first thing that really stuck out was the disconnect between animation and voice acting. This happens sometimes in shows that are less than perfectly animated, being voiced by seiyuu that just run circles around the animation. This frequently happens with Kugimiya Rie as her voice just has so many dynamics and expressions to it that it’s too hard for anything to keep up, but then having Kawasumi Ayako’s very docile voice out-act the on screen character was a bit awkward. Ayako is capable of a low, solemn voice (Kurau), which typically fits her character very well so it doesn’t seem unnatural; the chick in this show? Odd. It’s like when Mini-me starts talking in a Barry White voice. It’s not impossible, it’s not unbelievable, but it’s just weird, you know?
See, I don’t even think it necessarily has to do with animation quality, as the Touhou doujin anime had amazing voice acting and absolutely horrid animation, but it fit. The characters looked right, they did the proper actions and had the proper personality to fit the voice. Queen’s Blade, not so much. Some characters better than others, but most of them were just a total mess.
And then there’s the ridiculousness of it all. We’ve seen Tenjou Tenge and Ikkitousen and saw how these kinds of shows can get, but they don’t come anywhere close to the kind of shit Queen’s Blade is trying to pull. The Rie’s boob-cannon was already too much, but then at the end they clog up and explode? I guess I’ve seen weirder shit in anime, but with one as high-profile as this one? Probably not.
The thing is, I keep wondering what the hell the producers were thinking, and what the hell these A-list voice actresses are getting paid to get them to sign up for such a disaster. And something tells me they know exactly what they are doing – after all, they got me to blog about it – but christ, I have no idea what that is right now. And maybe I never will, but suffice to say that the first episode has been so ridiculous and so over-the-top that I will probably continue watching every week just to see what kind of crazy shit they’ll pull.
And that was probably their intention the whole time. At any rate, both Omni and I are avoiding this show like a tentacle monster avoids the dick.
Up next on Queen’s Blade: more boobs.